In Drag
by TimelessTears
Summary: Reid going undercover as a woman? What could possibly go wrong? Somewhat crackish.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds**

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><p>"You really think this is going to work?" Reid asked nervously, biting his lower lip as he nervously tugged at his. . .attire.<p>

"Of course it will, Pretty Boy." Morgan reassured him as he fiddled with his cell phone, unable to keep the big, stupid grin off his face.

"Look me in the eyes and say that. Without smiling." Reid deadpanned back and Morgan, God help him, _tried_ and ended up snorting into his hand before turning away, shoulders shaking in silent laughter.

"That's it." Reid muttered, slim fingers beginning to unbutton the top of the dress he was currently wearing. "This isn't going to work. Let's just stop now before I end up embarrassing myself more than I already have."

"Oh no you don't!" Emily scolded as she slapped his hands away. "You said you would do it, so you're doing it. Don't pay attention to Morgan; you look fine."

"She only says that 'cause she did his make-up." Morgan muttered to Rossi, who let out his own snort of amusement.

"Morgan, are you trying to get shot?" Emily snapped at him while trying to restrain Reid, whose efforts to undress doubled. When only more laughter came from Morgan, she huffed in anger and chalked it up to a lost cause, focusing completely on Reid. JJ and Hotch entered the room just in time to see her tackle him to the ground while yelling: "No! You are staying in that dress Spencer Reid!"

"Wow, somebody's channeling Garcia today." JJ joked as she set down a tray of coffee and Hotch just stared impassively at the two, waiting for an explanation.

"Oh good, you're back. Hotch, will you please order Reid to stop undressing? Morgan, the stupid ass, shook his confidence and now he doesn't want to do it." Emily pleaded from the floor, as she tried to keep ahold of Reid's hands so he wouldn't deter her any further.

"Reid," Hotch started out slowly, causing the struggling agent to stop moving. "You agreed to do this when it was suggested, why are you trying to back out now?"

"Because the plan was for me to go undercover as a woman." The young man argued. "Not go undercover in drag! There is a difference you know. Also, I don't understand why Emily can't do it; she scored better on physical training than I did."

They were on a local case. Over the last few months several woman had reported a man trying to sexually assault them at several bars. At first it was only something the police were working in to, but when an eye-witness saw the man slip a pill into one of his would-be victims drinks, they decided to bring in the BAU before the unsub escalated even more. As it was, Hotch's team didn't have any pressing cases at the moment and decided to take this one. After a few days of familiarizing themselves with the case, they decided the best route would be to go undercover.

"Reid, you know why Emily can't be the one to go undercover. This unsub goes after women who are at least 6'ft." Hotch explained for what felt like the umpteenth time.

"Then why can't you or Morgan do it?" Reid whined, finally giving up trying to get out of the dress, making Emily give a cheer of victory.

"Seriously?" Morgan chuckled. "Dude, I'm black and this guy only goes after white women. 'Sides, can you see Hotch in a dress? He'd look more in drag than you. Also, his shoulders are too broad. It just wouldn't work."

"Well Rossi—"

"Don't. Even. Go. There." The Italian muttered dangerously as he sipped his cup of coffee, his glare making the simple gesture look quite dangerous from Reid's point of view.

"Er, in any case I don't see this working very well." Reid rushed out as Emily stood up and tugged him up with her. "It was sound in theory, but the execution is-"

"Spence." JJ called, cutting him off. "No one else can do this." She reminded him softly, blue eyes big and pleading as Emily re-buttoned his dress.

"JJ, are you even looking at the so-called make-up on my face?" Reid asked dryly, not falling for the look at all and ignoring Emily's offended 'Hey!'

While Emily did good work on her own face, it could be argued that she had gone overboard on Reid's. His lips were a bright red while the eyeliner, mascara, and dark eye-shadow were caked on so thick, he was surprised the weight hadn't left his eyes heavy lidded.

The bright pink blush didn't help.

"Seriously, did you revisit your Goth stage or something?" Reid couldn't help but ask as he looked in a mirror.

"Of course not! No self -respecting Goth would wear bright red lipstick or pink blush- not together anyway. Trust me, this make-up is good for the bar scene." Emily assured him.

"Yeah, if I was a hooker." Reid muttered sarcastically under his breath and received a hard punch to the shoulder.

"Stop being a baby." Emily grunted, before narrowing her dark eyes. "And stop buttoning it all the way to the collar! The point is to attract the unsub, not make him think you just came from a convent." She scolded him as she undid the four top buttons.

The dress itself wasn't that revealing. It covered his chest and shoulders completely and could only be considered 'flirty' at best with the top buttons undone. It only went to mid-thigh, so it was a little short but it fluttered out, hiding the obvious fact that he was a male well enough. All in all, it wasn't a bad dress.

He just preferred not to be in it at all.

"Emily, if you unbutton me anymore, my, um, bosom, is going to fall out and onto the ground." Reid warned her, trying to ignore the heat rising in his cheeks. The said bosom was a bra stuffed with two silicone inserts (Emily claims they came from a time when her mother forced her to participate in a beauty queen pageant. Spencer does not believe her) and with several tan socks stuffed in to help give the illusion of an ample pair of breasts.

"Nah, your girls will be fine." Emily winked at him.

"Please don't refer to them as my 'girls'. They're not even real." Reid muttered, eyes shooting side to side as he tried desperately to think of a way to get out of this.

Groveling didn't sound too bad right about now.

"Hotch, are you sure there isn't another way to catch this unsub? I mean, we sort of rushed into this. Maybe we should have brainstormed a little more."

"Reid," Hotch started, blatantly ignoring the big brown eyes that were beginning to water. "We have several undercover cops in the bar that you figured out the unsub visited every Tuesday. You are in a dress and wired for monitoring and you want to back out _now_?"

"Er, yes."

"Ha ha, sorry kid, but your already in for the long haul. No backing out now." Morgan laughed as he thrust a wig on top of Reid's head.

"Morgan!" Reid yelled in irritation as Emily began rearranging the wig to fit properly. "I'm being serious here! I don't think this is a good idea."

"Then you should have said so from the beginning." Hotch replied sternly. "Morgan's right; it's too late for you to back out. I know you're nervous but remember, you will be in a room filled with undercover cops. This will work." Hotch assured him before checking his watch. "You go in 5 minutes; we'll be feeding you information through your earpiece."

"I still think- gah! Emily, are you trying to choke me to death?" Reid yelled as she tied a black collar with a cross adorning it, to his neck.

"No, I'm hiding your Adam's apple so it's not a dead giveaway you're a guy." She grinned. "Also, the cross has a camera in it so we'll be able to see from your point of view. Garcia may be watching a feed from the bar's security cameras, but we want to get a good view of this guy's face."

"Two minutes." Hotch called out.

"This isn't going to fool anyone." Reid grumbled one last time. "I don't even know how to act like a-"

"Ok people, its go time!"

Go time, as it was called, consisted of Reid stumbling through the bar doors while the rest of the group watched from a van.

Bastards.

Entering the bar on shaky legs thanks to the thigh-high black boots with seven inch heels ("Really Emily?" "Shut and just believe in yourself for once.") Reid took in his surroundings.

The lights were dim, the music pumping, and people were everywhere.

Everywhere.

Reid suddenly felt he had claustrophobia. Before he could panic though, a tiny voice tickled into his ear, making him jump and causing him to receive several strange looks.

'_Can you hear me Reid? Don't speak out loud; just touch your hair with your left hand.' _Reid did. _'Good. See the girl sitting at the bar? The blonde with the rose in her hair? Touch your hair again if you see her.'_

Craning his neck to see the bar, his eyes scanned for the girl and after a few moments spotted her chatting up the guy on the bar stool next to her. Reid touched his hair again to confirm he had spotted her.

'_Good. She's an undercover cop and so is the man next to her.' _Hotch filled him in. _'Go and stumble between them. Ask the bar tender for 'the best beer in the place' as loud as you can. Those are the code words to let everyone know you're in position.'_

Reid just barely stopped himself from saying 'Roger that' out loud to the order. Slowly, to make sure he didn't trip, he made his way over to the bar. Unfortunately, half-way there he tripped over something and ended sprawled in some random guy's arms.

"Ah! Alright there, miss?" The stranger asked with a charming smile and Reid just stared up at him in horror.

"Yeah I guess- I, I mean thanks so much handsome!" Reid replied, changing the pitch of his voice when he realized his was too low to be considered a woman's. At the same time, he was trying desperately to ignore what he was sure was Morgan's muffled laughter in his ear.

"You sure? Cause I don't mind catching you again. If you want, we could dance and you could cling to me all night long." The man purred, his hand teasing over Reid's backside.

"Aw thanks, but I have to pass you up. Tee-hee!" Reid stuttered back, sure he was about to have a heart attack.

"Oh? Got a boyfriend? He doesn't have to know. . ." The man trailed off suggestively and Reid decided he had enough.

"Excuse me! But there is no boyfriend!" Reid replied harshly, planting both hands on the guy's chest, pushing him off.

"There is no boyfriend." He repeated, dead serious. "Only pancakes." Then, without another word or glance, he head toward the bar. Let the guy think he was drunk or high.

"Hey bar tender! Give me the best beer in the place!" Reid yelled obnoxiously as he shuffled in between the undercover cops. The bar tender nodded and as he set about pouring the drink, the woman left her stool and the man followed after.

'_You're doing great Reid.' _Hotch spoke and Reid thanked the heavens that the man had enough professionalism not to ask about the pancake bit back there. Honestly it was just the first thing that had come to mind. _'Go ahead and stay there. The bar tender is going to give you some ginger ale. There's a camera set up directly across from you so we'll be able to see you and anybody who could be the unsub. For now just sit tight. We'll let you know if any comes your way.'_

Ok. He could do that. That wouldn't be too hard.

'_Oh, and try to look a little lonely. That will definitely attract him to you.' _ Morgan's voice suddenly came through. Sighing, Reid put on what he thought could be considered a sad face and slumped until his face almost touched the counter.

'_I said a little lonely! Not, I'm-so-depressed-I have-my -own -personal- rain -cloud! Geez kid, loose some of the dramatics!'_

"Oh shut up, Morgan." Reid grumbled, titling his head back to shoot down his ginger ale. He put a little too much thrust into it and a few ice cubes slipped out of the glass and into his dress as a result.

'_Did, did you just spill a few ice cubes into your cleavage?' _Morgan asked in a strained voice and Reid knew he was barely holding onto his laughter. Unsure of if he should fish them out or just leave them, he decided it would be best to let them melt and not cause a scene.

"Another, if you would bar keep." Reid said, sliding the glass toward the man, completely ignoring the fact that two wet spots were forming on his dress. The man simply nodded and gave him another one with no fuss or funny looks.

Reid was eternally grateful for that.

He spent the next 20 minutes sitting there alone making various facial expressions to convey his 'loneliness' (Morgan finally told him to stop because he was scaring off more people than he as attracting).

'_Look sharp Reid. We've got a guy zoning in one you.' _Morgan told him, voice serious just as a man sat down beside him.

At first, he didn't speak or even look at Reid, simply asked the bar tenders for a scotch. After a few minutes of silence, he finally spoke.

"You come here often?"

"Eh, no. I'm new to town." Reid replied. Since the unsub came here every Tuesday he would know if Reid was lying or not.

"Oh?" The man's voice gained a spark or interest and he finally turned to look at Reid. "You like it so far?"

'_Be careful how you answer that, Reid.' _Morgan warned.

"It's ok." Reid shrugged. "You?"

"Only if I meet someone interesting." The other replied before shocking Reid by grabbing his hands. "Please don't be offended when I say this, but your hands are huge. It's fascinating."

'_Alright Pretty Boy, I know that's a weird compliment but you have got to flirt back with this guy. Don't lose your cool.'_

Lose his cool? Lose his cool? Reid couldn't flirt with a girl on a good day and they want him to flirt back from a girls' perspective? How was he not supposed to lose his cool?

Fake it, Reid. Just fake it.

"Well, you know what they say about girls with big hands." Reid said with a pretty smile and knew he messed up when he heard Morgan choke and Hotch take back over.

'_Reid, I know you're trying but that makes absolutely no sense. That only refers to men. I'll explain later, just try and keep his attention.' _Hotch urged.

"Uh, sorry that came out wrong." Reid tittered nervously as the man ran his thumb over Reid's. "I'm just so, so excited! Yes! I'm so excited that someone complimented my monstrous hands that I became tongue tied! It really made my night! Thanks!"

"What can I say? I like my ladies unique. Would you like to be my lady?"

What on earth was he supposed to say to _that_?

"Are you sure? You wouldn't rather want someone like that?" Reid asked pointing to some random girl on the dance floor. The man moved into his personal space to get a better look and Reid had to fight off the urge to bolt.

"Nope. You're so much more interesting." The man purred into his ear.

'_Ok, he just slipped something into your drink. He's definitely our guy. Stay alert and lead him to the door Reid.'_

"Oh yeah? Well, if you really want me. . ." Reid leaned in, "You have to buy me pancakes." He stage whispered. The unsub gave him a weird look before smiling.

"Well, if pancakes are what you desire, then let's go get some."

And with that, it should have been a done deal. Just lead the unsub outside and have him arrested on the spot. Simple.

Simple and Reid just don't mix well.

On the way out, the heel on his left boot snapped and the only thing stopping him from face planting was grabbing onto the unsub's arm. This in itself would not have been a problem.

But then one of his boobs decided to fall out.

Yeah. He told Emily she had buttoned it too far down!

"Oops. Sorry about that. Sometimes my girls just like to pop out and surprise people!" Reid laughed as he bent down to pick it up. Apparently, this was where the unsub decided Reid was too weird to sexually molest because he tried to run. It was here that Reid tripped ("Man, how do you trip when you're on your knees?" Morgan asked later on) and grabbed the unsub's legs, sending him to the floor. As he hit the ground, several tiny pills spilled out around him.

"Wait!" Reid called breathlessly as he straddled the man. "There's one more thing you need to know!" He took out his gun that he had strapped to his thigh and narrowed his eyes at the shocked man.

"You're under arrest."

After saying this, several of the officers drew their own guns and the rest of the BAU came running in from the front.

Honestly, the whole thing was blown out of proportion.

Oh, and Morgan wouldn't stop laughing.

"Seriously Baby Girl, this guy asks him if he has a boyfriend and instead of just saying yes, he basically declares his love for pancakes! Pancakes!" Morgan gleefully told the bubbly hacker as they walked into the bullpen, Reid back to his nerdy glory.

"Really sweetie? Why pancakes?" Garcia couldn't help but ask with a big grin.

"I don't know! I panicked and it was just the first thing to come to mind!" Reid muttered back.

"Oh, and did you see him at the bar when he-" Reid decided he didn't need to hear any more of this and headed towards Hotch's office. After all, the man did promise he would explain the 'big hands' thing to him.

**End**

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><p><strong>AN: I started writing this when I was really tired so it seemed insanely funny at the time. It's probably not now, but I've read fics where Reid goes undercover as a woman and couldn't help but make a fic where everything goes somewhat wrong. Please don't take this seriously.**


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